If there’s one thing that holds us back from our best selves, it’s fear.  We might not like to admit it, we might not even see it as fear, but at some level, that’s what it is.  We’re afraid.

What are we afraid of?

Perhaps we think we’re not smart enough to chase down our dreams.  Maybe it’s that we don’t believe we’re physically capable or attractive enough.  Maybe we’re scared we’ll lose money – or worse – lose face.  For many of us, the fear of rejection and/or embarrassment is the biggest.

So we find ourselves living in the safe harbour of the known.  Resigned to mediocrity as life trickles away from us.

While I’m by no means immune to the shackles of fear, I’m getting better at acting in its presence.  My courage muscle is growing.  Here are the 4 practices I use.

Overlooking the ‘Indian Jump’ in Cordoba, Argentina

1. Let go of approval seeking

It’s remarkable how much we care about what others think of us.  We have this need to be accepted by our peers, the need to please.  We dare not do anything that might make us look ‘bad’ in the eyes of someone else.  We dare not make a departure from the accepted norm.  Instead, we do what’s expected of us rather than what’s true to us.  I wonder how many people chose a career or course of study just to satisfy their parents?  I wonder how that worked out?

The funny thing is, it’s not as if everyone else has it all figured out.  Other people – those whose judgements we fear – have just as many issues as we do.  Everyone has fears and anxieties and challenges to go through (even if it might not seem like it from the outside).  Besides, those whose opinions we care about most are often themselves the unhappiest of people!

“Stop taking advice from broke, unhappy people.”  (David Wood)

Trying to please everyone is a mistake.  Living your life at the mercy of the opinions of others is a tragedy.  Especially when we consider that even the greatest people, the greatest movies and the greatest books of all time still have their critics.  Nothing and no one is universally liked.  Let it go.

2. Get to know yourself

We need not be ashamed of who we are.

Do some work on the inner game:  What values do you stand for?  What virtues?  What’s important to you?  What do you like?  What would you like your life to look like?  What difference would you like to make?

None of this need be huge, but if you can get to know yourself and accept yourself, you’ll likely worry less about what others think of you.  You can view life through your own lens.

There’s a confidence that comes with being able to say, “This is me.  This is what I stand for, and that’s ok.”

3. Reframe Failure

What if we fail?

Well, more often than not, we’ll still be ok.  The world will keep spinning.  And if we look closely, we’ve probably just got a great lesson on how to do things differently next time.  Or we’ve just earned ourselves some strength.  Or compassion.  Or wisdom.

“There are so many lessons in this life that we just don’t want to learn – lessons about how dangerous life can be and how vulnerable we all are.  You can’t just tell someone these things and expect him to become wise.  Wisdom only comes the hard way.  But when it comes, it can keep you from suffering even greater tragedies in the future, including the greatest tragedy of all, which is to waltz through life unaware, unconnected, and unfulfilled.”  (Baker & Stauth, What Happy People Know)

Failure isn’t fatal.  Failure is necessary.  If we’re not prepared to take a risky, wobbly step forward, we’ll never learn to walk.  It’s ok to start at zero.  It’s ok to fall down.  Who are you letting judge you anyway?

4. Leverage regret

Fear isn’t going to go away.  We have to learn to act anyway.  One way I find useful in getting myself to take action is leveraging regret: “What happens if I don’t?”

Well… Time flies.  And everybody dies.  No one gets out alive.  Sooner or later it’ll be too late.  In The Top Five Regrets Of The Dying, the number one regret dying people had was this:

“I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

It would suck to get to the end with and be left with that thought.  Too late.  Considering that – and considering that we never know when our time is up – helps me keep practicing my courage.  Sometimes you just gotta suck it up and do it anyway!

Taking the leap.

BIG IDEA: We’re capable of more. But we let our fear hold us back.

TAKEAWAY:

1. Let go of approval seeking – no one has it all figured out!
2. Get to know and accept yourself – you’re ok!
3. Reframe failure – it’s necessary!
4. Consider regret: what happens if you don’t?

ACTION STEP: Set aside some time to work on yourself:

1. Who are you?
2. What do you want from your life?
3. What’s one little courageous step forward you can take in the next week?

Always Keep Reaching!

Mike